First love story

 "There's a corner of my heart that is yours. I don't mean it for now or until I've found somebody else, I mean forever. I just want to say that whether I fall in love thousand times or once or never again, there'll always be a small quiet place in my heart that only belongs to you."

"My first love, I’ll never forget, and it’s such a big part of who I am, and in so many ways, we could never be together, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not forever, because it is forever." 

"Your first love is always alive and lives all time in your heart. How much you try to forget, it never goes away from your heart." 

Hello there. This is my first love story that involved outsiders. Yeap. I think so. Why? It has been almost 15 years but still he popped up in my mind sometimes. I wonder how or why. I guess the first quote is most likely the most suitable one for this case. Because you're still occupying a small portion of my heart and mind but being deeply buried inside. 

Long time no see Mr. AO. I guess  you've been doing well all this time. After almost 10 years since I last saw you, you've grown into a tall, dark and handsome guy. But, I think you're fairer than me though due to my circumstances struggling in my battle with SSc nowadays. Just checking you out through your dp. Let me be clear here, I meant no harm or anything. Just simply wanna know if you're still breathing the air or not. Sometimes you just came into my dreams uninvited making me reminiscence all the memories that I still could gather from my memory. Enough with the greetings. I know that you will never read this, but still want to greet you though. 

He was my classmate for 5 years during elementary school. I liked him since I was 8 at that time. I don't really know why. I just liked him a lot. I guaranteed that it was not love at the first sight. Maybe that was what people said puppy love. When I was in standard 3, a few of my friends knew about this and made fun of me. I remembered that our classroom teacher had arranged us to sit together for quite some time. I don't really talk to him a lot, just simply about works or academic stuff. Betore I forgot, we always topped the exam for the entire batch plus one more friend. It was like the three 'brainy' musketeers that sticks together in every exam that I could recalled. 

When we were in standard 5, the teacher appointed four of us including Mr. Brainy no. 1 and Ms. Moon to be emcees for morning prayers and exercise. I named us the quadruple MC (emcee) squad. Forgot to mention, he was a prefect since standard 2 and I became a prefect the next year. Starting from that MC moment onwards, I talked to him more. Henceforth, I started liking football, F1 & few more. All hail to him and Mr. Brainy no. 1  that made me fell into it. I was assigned as the main MC for wednesday since it was English day, and he always recited the prayers. His english was good due to his mother being an english teacher at our school. 

There was one time that I had a little misunderstanding with my bff at that time, Ms. Moon due to God knew why. His mother asked us whether it was due to her son's? I was speechless, not knowing how to interpret it. At last, we just denied anything to avoid any further suspicion or misunderstanding. Up until now, I still don' t get it tho.  

In standard 6, he was slowly being pushed aside when I had a new crush on my other classmate, Mr. Sasuke. I named him Sasuke because he reminds me of that character, cold and aloof. Well, I did the most stupidiest and dumbest thing that I could ever imagined to this Sasuke guy. I had a feeling that I was once texted him "ILY" or something almost similar to it  the last night before school holiday. Silly my younger self. But, I was once cried when that AO was punished by the teacher. Why did I cried? I don't know, maybe just feeling sad when I saw him getting the punishment. Once again, what a fool girl I was once upon a time. 

There was one time I dreamed about being invited to AO's wedding. I went to the wedding and congratulated them. The bride seemed to be his childhood lover. I harbored no hard feelings or anything during that time. However, few days ago another dream appeared out of the blue. I got to know that he still had feeling for his childhood lover named F*****a (I never met her in real life). I was so heartbroken and dejected. Due to frustation, I splurged all my money on shopping spree in malls and treated everyone that I knew. What a ridiculous dream. But, can I just took it as an omen for me. Guess what? Something nice did happened to me the next day. I received a compensation from lazada for about RM 2++. Alhamdulillah. Thank goodness for that blessing. 

So, that's all I want to tell. Perhaps we can meet again someday with the others as well. One of our classmate had left us already. Al-Fatihah (recited) for allahyarham Azrul. Till next time. See you all. Farewell. 

P/s: pardon for any grammatical mistake. Just messing and mixing everything in one sentence till it makes sense and sounds right. 

Update: sejak kebelakangan ini, saudara selalu muncul dalam mimpi saya. Bukan sekali dua tau, it was almost every night for the past week. I buat istikharah untuk benda lain, you yang muncul. What kind of petunjuk is this? Saya trauma sikit mimpi-mimpi orang yang dah lama tak jumpa ni. Last time, azrul selalu muncul tup2 he's gone. Kali ni saudara pulak, I'm afraid. Saya doakan semoga saudara sentiasa berada di bawah lindungan Allah dan sejahtera dunia akhirat lah ye even though kita tak berjumpa di dunia ni. 

Update (6 April 2025): 

Angin pun tahu rasa hati, bisik perlahan,

“Tenanglah sayang, takdir tak pernah janji dia milikmu.” 

Officially signing off from worrying about you from a distance. Jaga diri baik-baik. Semoga berbahagia hingga ke syurga AO & pasangan. Btw, you both looks good together. 

1 Litre of Tears (my story)

1 litre of tears

              

Fifteen-year-old Ikeuchi Aya is an ordinary girl, soon to be high school student and daughter of a family who works at a tofu shop. As time passes, unusual things start happening to Aya. She begins falling down often and walking strangely. Her mother Shioka, takes Aya to see the doctor, and he informs Shioka that Aya has spinocerebellar degeneration - a rare disease where the cerebellum of the brain gradually deteriorates to the point where the victim cannot walk, speak, write, or eat. A cruel disease, as it does not affect the mind. The story revolved around the time from when Aya was 14-20 before a big time skip. When she died at 25, her family carried her wishes for her body to be donated for medical research purposes. (Source: wikipedia).

Aku tengok cerita ni years ago tak ingat tahun bila since dah lama sangat. Tapi, aku masih ingat jalan cerita dia. Aya start tunjuk simptom sakit tu bila dia jatuh tersembam tanpa dapat tangannya tahan (like macam lumpuh tetiba). Aku dah mula rasa sebak bila tengok dia jadi macam tu. Lepas tu, penyakit dia mula progress dan aku nampak betapa susahnya untuk dia terima apa yang jadi kat badan dia. Bayangkan, sebelum ni dia atlet sekolah, tetiba tak boleh main game dah. Dari boleh berjalan, kena guna wheelchair. Tak silap dia pindah pi sekolah OKU lepas tu. Terperangkap di dalam badan sendiri tanpa boleh berbuat apa-apa. Luckily, orang sekeliling dia bagi support terutamanya family dia dan boyfriend-nya (maybe).  Boyfriend dia tu selalu tolong dia, bagi semangat and stay by her side till her end. Aku terpikir la enn ' if something is going to happen to me one day, will someone be there for me apart from my family?'

Dan sekarang, aku dah tau jawapannya. I don't have anyone to be called "boyfriend" or "special someone". All i have are my family members and few close friends that helped me in campus life. Aku dah alami macam apa yg si Aya alami. First, masa kejadian naik bas CAT nk balik dari QB. Bila aku langkah naik bas, tetiba lutut tak leh tolak badan naik berdiri. Gabra la. Dah la ramai orang dalam bas. Malu tu jangan cakap la. Nasib baik ada kawan-kawan yang tolong pegangkan beg. Aku terpaksa berjalan guna lutut, cari kerusi kosong utk support bangun. Bila jadi lagu tu, mmg orang lain tak boleh tolong. Badan jadi berat gila, tak dak tenaga utk support badan sendiri. Arwah tok dapat tau. Menangis mak tok sbb cucu dia naik bas tak leh berdiri. Balik weekend tu, mmg kena nasihat kaw2 punya la. Tok kata pi lagi keluaq, kn dh jadi mcm tu. Lepas pada tu, nk p QB mmg aku ambik e-hailing ja. Serik bak hang. 

Second time jadi bila pi air terjun kat Lawin nun. Baru ja langkah masuk ayaq, terus tak leh bangun berdiri. Lemah habih dua-dua kaki. Pastu, mak uda, angah n abang long came to the rescue. Mak uda tahan badan aku bagi straight guna kaki dia. Kalau dak, duk terlentang dlm ayaq tu macam paus mendarat di ayaq cetek. Depa nk tarik aku memang tak boleh la. Badan jadi berat. Last2, aku berpaut kt abang long, bangun sendiri slow2. Kononnya masuk ayaq nk hydrotherapy la, last2 tak leh berjalan nk naik ke darat balik. Ayah eden yg tolong dukung skit2 dkt kawasan yang susah nk jalan. Kaki kebas tahap pijak pasir rsa mcm pijak paku. Mulut habis biru. Tobat lahom tak mau terjun ayaq lata dah. Serik. 

Ada jugak terjadi dalam bilik sorang-sorang. Tengah berdiri, sedar2 dah melutut. Kuih la pi kt kerusi bangun balik. Ada satu hari tu,nak ambik barang kt almari atas, panjat la kerusi. Pastu, jadi tersentak lutut bakhang sampai teriak. Anis mai tanya pasai pa teriak. Pastu kena beletiaq dengan dia, lenkali nk ambik barang, minta orang tolong. Hahaha padan muka diri sendiri. 

Latest, time exam final last sem dalam bilik persidangan. Tersalah langkah naik bendul (bendul tinggi, langkah tak cukup), terus jatuh melutut. Tambah jammed kepala otak, bila tangan pun tak leh nk tahan body dari jatuh. Alamatnya, memang aku jatuh terbaring la kt situ. Nasib la sempat mengiringkan badan, so tak dak la tersembam muka dulu. Tak ramai pun yang ada waktu tu, tapi lecturer ada la (maybe tak perasan kut sbb tengah sibuk susun kertas). Untung ada kawan-kawan yang baik hati dan prihatin. Depa la yg tolong angkat aku. Angkat tu basically means pijak kaki aku bagi rapat ke lantai, then tarik aku bagi berdiri. Shoutout to mimi n hanis sbb selalu bersama aku in campus life. Sayang hgpa. Back to story tadi, kesan lebam + keluaq kulit tu seminggu gak la nak hilang. Mula2 ingatkan lebam biasa2, ni skali pakej keluaq kulit ni apahal. Tapi tu lah, kena adapt to the changes of my body every single time something happened. Klu ikutkan, jatuh skit lebam je la. Ni tidak. 

Pastu, haritu jari terkena pisau yang dikira tajam. Belek punya belek, darah tak keluaq pun. Sakit pun dak. Tapi dh lama2  sikit tu, rasa sakit mcm berdarah. Cek balik baru nampak bekas. Seinci gak la. Nak baik fully pun tak lagi. Dh dekat seminggu. Gegeh ngat aih jari pun. Lambat sangat nk elok. Nampak gaya macam nk bertukar jdi ulcer / calcinosis je. Harap2 tak jadi mende tu lah, biaq lega elok. 

Tu lah kisahnya. Tak dak pun special someone yg nk bagi semangat tambahan. Sekian rant saya tentang hidup single lawan penyakit. Jangan berharap pada yang tidak pasti. Masih awal utk ada special someone. Father n mother pun tak bagi couple2 time study. Family kami tak macam orang lain. Study smpai habis dlu baru boleh nk cari pasangan. CARI YER. BUKAN READY NK KAHWIN. Terpakai utk degree. Master tak tahu lagi SOP nya sbb degree tak habis lagi. Mak uda punya kes lps master baru kahwin tpi kenal sejak sekolah menengah. Aku haram nak kenai zaman sekolah menengah sbb sekolah tak dak laki. Klu nk ada kenai org laki, mungkin dri zaman sekolah rendah or zaman matrik or zaman degree. Tu pun boleh kira dengan jari (hyperbola skit). Anggarannya tak lebih 50 org laki yg aku kenai atau masih ingat (sekolah rendah la). Baik tak saya? 🤫🤫🤫 Perasann tak boleh dibincang🤣🤣 tapi, boleh jadi la sbb tak pernah ada history couple dgn sesapa. Setakat scandal zaman skolah rendah, tu pun bila pikir2 balik buat lawak jenaka je. 

TATBILB 2

Dear Mr. Fiq, 

Truthfully, aku still confuse nama hg yg sebenarnya. Yg mana satu betul pun aku tak tahu. 🤭

Well, kita pernah sekelas during sem 3&4 (minor). My expectation on men are high enough (nk yg mcm oppa2). Tapi, hg terkecuali. Sebab hg nampak mcm org baik2 gitu. And I believed that you are a good guy in real life. 

Aku tak sedar pun bila masa aku ter'crush' kt hg. Satu hari tu, hg masuk dewan kuliah dgn kawan2 hg. Pastu, hg letak sweater hg ats bag aku. I was like "wth mamat ni? Dlm banyak2 kerusi yg ada, awat hg letak sweater hg atas bag aku? Aku mai dlu kut." Hg duk line first, bag aku line second, aku duk line third. Normal utk aku letak bag kt kerusi kosong dlm kelas since aku tau tak dak org yg nak duk depan2 sgt. Klu kelas tu padat n sendat, mmg aku letak kt krusi sendiri la. Btw, kelas tu pun tak ramai sgt yg ambik. Ada la dlm 30 lebih rsanya. 

Then, ditakdirkan satu tutorial. Aku terpisah dri kwn2 yg lain. Ada la bbrapa orang lain yang ambik. Tpi, kontranya ramai budak laki dlm kelas tu bbnding tutor lgi satu. Aku kna terima lah sbb dh pilih time tu utk convenience diri. Hg dan kawan2 pun ada. Tpi, aku selalu ja takpi awal2 ats sbb yg tak dpt dielakkan. After few weeks, baru la aku pi. 

Giliran utk aku present adalah yg paling last. So, aku presenter yg terakhir utk sem tu. Waktu present tu, mmg aku tak tengok kut hg langsung. Gabra bakhang. Tpi, still managed eye contact dgn a few. Lps je habis present, kwn hg tnya "mmg suara aku mcm tu ka?" Well, aku mmg suara cm kartun sikit. Klu nk deep n loud the voice, nnti jdi mcm tersangkut kt kerongkong takmo keluaq. Pastu, aku jawab la "mmg centu pun plus gabra skit". 

Aku insecure nk present dpn org sekarang ni sbb condition aku la. Dolu2, relax je jdi MC dpn beribu org. Tu lah. Time changed everything. Imma still trying to love my new self completely. Bukan mudah utk terima everything that has happened that caused you to lose control of yourself unwillingly. 

Tapi, aku terima n redha dgn apa yg terjadi dan anggap ini semua adalah ujian hidup. Allah tidak akan menguji hamba-Nya dgn sesuatu melainkan dia mampu utk menggalas ujian tersebut. 

So, doakan aku agar aku terus kuat dan tabah utk menghadapi ujian ini. Coretan ni hanya sebagai kenangan bahawa aku pernah ter"crush" dekat someone like you. Dah nama pun crush, mmg utk hati aku crush to pieces pun. Tak expect utk dibalas balik atau apa2 sbb aku tahu it is almost impossible to be noticed by you. Wishing you all the best in the world & selamat utk habiskan degree ni. Ada setahun lagi utk kita grad. Semoga kita2 semua boleh grad tahun depan. 

Yours truthfully:)

Miyako